Real Girl Beauty

For every girl who's imagined herself as Lucky Magazine's "Lucky Girl." Or who's conquered her addiction to the bitchier-than-thou forums. Or who reacts every day to her Daily Candy email with the same: "Who can afford that?" Here are some heartfelt health and beauty tips from one Real Girl to another.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Just Call Me Whitey!

Are you excited for the pictures?! I am!! So let’s not waste any time getting to the results of The Great Whitening Experiment of 2005.

But Real Girl, you ask. What the heck are those darned Crest Whitestrips Premium doodads like? Will they burn my gums off? Will they eat up my stomach lining? Will they whiten my lips, too, until I look like a partial albino?

Okay. First, what to do. I followed directions, putting on the upper strip first and the bottom strip second. I then drooled for the half hour you’re supposed to keep the doodads on. Which was nothing compared to the removal process, involving more gelled drooling and some heavy spitting. I don’t know if you’re supposed to rinse afterwards, but I sure did, and I can’t imagine not doing so. The best way to remove the strips is quickly, like a band-aid. And all those commercials where women are wearing their Whitestrips out with their girlfriends, laughing it up? Ummm…nice fantasy there, Mr. Crestipants. Do this at home. Trust moi.

But don’t get too scared! Here’s a picture of me with my Strips on. Aren’t I sexy?

According to the Whitestrips box, one should be able to “Start seeing results after just 3 days,” so let’s see what my teethies were looking like after that crucial almost-halfway-zone, compared with their initial whiteness.


After 3 Days.

Hey! That’s not so bad for just 3 days!

According to the Whitestrips box, Crest says these puppies are “Clinically proven to remove up to 14 years of stain build-up in just 7 days.” I confess I’ve been wondering how they came up with that number. Did one of the test subjects have, like, some stubborn tooth stain that just wouldn’t brighten? And then when the Lab Coat Guys said, “Hark! What is this spot of darkness on your dental surface?” Did the test subject respond, “Oh, I’ve had that for over fourteen years!” The mystery may never be solved, but I welcome theories from you lovely readers….

But now back to the program! I was such a good little bleacher, going through the strips like a trooper and only missing one application (which meant that on my last day, I applied 3 times). Wanna see? Wanna??? Because my teeth are REALLY WHITE now! In fact, I’m a bit peeved by the pics because I just don’t think they capture the transformation. I feel so shiny and clean! Like I could be in one of those Orbit Gum commercials, covered in mud except for my gleaming smile (remember, I don’t usually smile this toothily.) (Oh! And notice that stunning lipstick mark on my tooth in the “After” picture. See how slick I am? Stop being jealous.):


After 7 Days

And don’t get scared, but as long as we’re sharing here, I want to show you the new version of what used to be the yellowest area of my teeth—the lower part of my bottom teeth, near the root. (Ah, Real Girl just keeps getting sexier….)

So there you go! Whiteness! Whiteness that isn’t even captured entirely by the photos! Ta da! And all you need to do is suffer through a week of drooly messiness, right?

Um…not quite. Thank you to the folks who warned me about tooth sensitivity. I don’t normally suffer too badly from heightened sensation in my teeth, but oh boy the Whitestrips will make you feel your teeth something awful! Beware anything too cold, including wind. But right now, I'm only a day after the whole process, and already my teeth are feeling less sensitive. So if you can tough it out, I’d recommend just bearing with it for a week because the heightened sensitivity will go away swiftly. But if you’ve already got sensitive teeth? BEWARE. They will get more so.

By the way? You can’t see me right now, but I’m smiling wide. A glistening, shiny, bleachified smile. You can just call me Whitey from now on.

But what about your experiences? Have you tried other brands? Have you got questions? Anything to recommend?

With love,
From one Real Girl to another

P.S. Guess what I did to celebrate my new whiter teeth? I drank a big glass of red wine! Duh!