Don’t Cry For Me Antintina
Jonathan Antin, if you’re reading this right now? You’d better grab a hanky.
Anyone who became as inexplicably hooked as I did to Bravo’s Blow Out will know what I mean. In the first season (which I did not watch), celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin expanded his Jonathan Salon empire. In this last season? The one that had me both perched on the edge of my seat and laughing like a mad woman? He created a product line. That’s right. It’s called Jonathan Product.
Here are some things you learn from watching Blow Out:
1. Jonathan Antin isn’t gay.
2. No, seriously, he isn’t. I’m as shocked as anyone.
3. If Jonathan doesn’t like the Jonathan Product sample you show him, he will throw it against a wall. Hard.
4. But if you praise his product? Like, if you call him on the phone and say, “Oh my God, Jonathan, this is the best product I’ve ever used. No, really, it’s amazing. I won’t use anything else ever”? Then he’ll cry.
5. When the product sells at QVC? Tears. Sephora? Rivers. The man goes through tissues like Rosie O’Donnell goes through cupcakes. (And I’m going to hell for that one.)
I’m getting somewhere with this—I promise. And that somewhere? Is bliss. HAIR FRIGGIN’ BLISS. Mine has never looked better. I owe it all to Jonathan’s Dirt.
Jonathan created Dirt to mimic the look of day-old hair, when it’s all manageable and sexy (at least, for some people other than me). As he tells us on the box, “There’s something amazing about the way hair looks and behaves the day after – washing, that is.” (Because clearly we were all thinking sex!) “I created Dirt to help you get that look easily.”
Yeah, I don’t know about all that. I’d call Dirt a light, non-waxy pomade. Jonathan calls it a “texturizing paste,” and I’ve got to admit that about gets it right. Jonathan instructs us to, “Rub a small amount in your hands until it liquefies.” Um, Jonathan? This shznit ain’t ever liquefying. The word you’re looking for is emulsify. Basically, folks, choose your amount of product. For my long hair, I’ve been using about a dime-sized dollop. (You want to err on the side of too little rather than too much, so start small.) Then rub the product between your palms. What you’re going to get is sticky palms. (Insert puerile joke here.) What you do with those palms will depend on your hair.
For my curls, I’ve been using my Dirty hands to scrunch my curls, making them more springy and less fly-away-y. The time I used to invest in mitigating flyaways has been cut in half. And the body I get from the curl-scrunching kind of stymies me, given that this product isn’t the most light-weight I’ve ever seen.
What’s most miraculous about this product, though? I can use it when my hair’s not curly. Which used to be never. But on a whim, I brushed out my curls one day, eyeing the frizzy, light-socket hair I was left with. I smoothed on Jonathan’s Dirt, manipulated a little wave at the ends, and was good to go. Do you hear that? Good to go! The frizz was tamed.
For y’all with straight hair, I’m thinking this will help with flyaways and with adding a bit of sexy texture to the mix. I would recommend that people with extraordinarily fine hair stay away, however, because the product may be too hearvy. For my moderately fine hair, I make sure not to use too much.
Honestly? This is the most exciting hair product I’ve found in years. Sure, it’s $26, but considering how much you need to use, that could very well be a two-year supply.
And if you’ll excuse me now, I’m off to play in the Dirt.
But what about y’all? Did you watch Blow Out? Have you tried Jonathan Product? Have you got other texturizing products to recommend? Just feel like chatting?
I remain your,